Okay, first of all, who knew that “argylle” was spelled that way? I digress.

Decided to see this one after a particularly rough week last week, hoping for a frothy little comedy diversion and was instead met with a laborious spin on spy movies that lasted what felt like an eternity. Let’s talk plot.

Elly Conway (Bryce Dallas Howard) is a successful author, working on a best-selling series about Agent Argylle, a top secret agent who going against the corrupt establishment that originally employed him. Blocked on her upcoming tome, she can’t figure out what happens next, but inspiration comes to meet her in the form of real-life secret agent Aidan Wilde (Sam Rockwell). Told that her novels predict the future and confirm current events, she learns that she is wanted by a serious espionage group so that they can pick her brain about the location of a real asset that would crumble their reputation. The rest is a tangle of twists and turns as Elly starts to question the validity of each side and where she must stand to make things right and get her life back to normal.

———-SPPPOOOOIIIILLLLEEERRRZZZZ———

Alright, so the movie starts off well enough, with our relatable millennial protagonist, obsessed with her cat and comfortable in her lakeside home and oversized sweaters. However, there are so many things that read as “off” right from the beginning. Argylle’s hairstyle, the weird-ass “whirly bird” dance move (seriously wtf, whose idea was that one…), the weird and dizzying alternation of Elly’s consciousness between seeing the fictional Argylle character and the reality of whatever Aidan is doing. And, it must be said, the insufferable styling of poor, normal-sized Bryce Dallas Howard.

The movie decides to take its time through every. single. fucking. conflict. Until about HALFWAY THROUGH the movie, we finally learn, ELLY IS THE REAL ARGYLLE. SHE’S A REAL SPY. THAT’S WHY THE BOOKS ARE SO REALISTIC, because she LIVED THEM!!

But FAR FROM BEING A BREATH OF FRESH AIR AND CLARITY, the movie then decides to double-triple-quadruple down on plot twists. Okay, so she’s a spy! Maybe she’s a bad spy! She’s definitely bad! Jk, it was a trick! Like…there’s only so many plot twists a person can handle, okay? Especially when you’re ticking past the 2-hour mark.

I must once again protest the length of fun movies these days, man. If you’re going to promise the glitz and glam of espionage a la James Bond-with-a-twist, keep it simple and make it snappy. Argylle gains nothing from dangling random carrots in front of the audience the entire movie, and the payoff for these mini-twists is tragically underwhelming for the wait put into them. Like, for example, when Elly’s parents are seemingly shot and Aidan is like, “Come with me if you want to know the truth,” and they literally DRIVE FROM LONDON TO PROVENCE WITHOUT A SINGLE WORD. ??? Not only is this rude, it’s incredibly unbelievable. And once we learn that Elly is a spy and that those weren’t her real parents, we don’t really gain anything by that 20 minutes of not knowing beyond a sense of incredulity that she’d be okay with just chillin for like 6 hours in the car without knowing what’s going on.

—-OKAY IT’S FINE NOW—-

I really must also protest the styling in this movie. Bryce Dallas Howard, Henry Cavill, and even Sam freakin Rockwell are way cooler and better looking than this. Any attempt at making the cast look as slick as a Bond movie is woefully misconstrued.

Anyway, I largely did not like this movie. Too convoluted, awkward to look at, and the few laughs and the big twist they set up for were not worth sitting in the theater for 3 hours (this is including 30 min of trailers wtf).

4.5 outa 10.